not a shitty poem randy at all
The cynical tone to it definately makes the piece, i really do enjoy it, angst and all. The rhyiming scheme works well with the imagery. It would be cool to make an image embodying what you say little girls are made of, would definately proove to be an interesting piece.

Awesome work Randy.
For the simplicity and genius of the cynicism

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=AomiArmster -
CHAN WILL BURN YOUR FACE WTH SUGAR CANES FROM THE DARKEST DEPTHS OF HELL she has a sugar plantation DO NOT FORGET

Definitely with a good hard twist of some hate in there But you know what, I love it. It's strong and keeps going, and yeah its cynical. But it's good.

--
"Speak softly and carry a big stick; You will go far." -- Theodore Roosevelt

I'll show you a cunt made of honey.

Just kidding.

I thought it was really good, hon. Even if you think it's unoriginal, it still has a lot of originality. It makes me think you really hate girls, heh, but I think I know better.

Great poem, hon. You should write more.

--
This is the internet. If you don't like something that is said to you or someone else, do us all a favor and ignore it. If you fail to ignore it, then get over it as quick as possible. Drama is unneeded on the internet.

Cute, and rather amusing, you must have met all my ex's they fit you poem nicely for the most part haha but then again i'm not perfect either...and i wish i had a head full of bats!! (^_~) Good stuff

man i love you too Randy.
apparently everyone else offering you their cunt of honey...but i'm right there with them.
i'm actually surprised because, i think that you're right to a certain degree. i can imagine everything in there, that's what makes it good. the fact that i can now dislike myself for being that which you wrote about. man, the things you can do with your words.


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i fell on your lips and i can't get up.

Incredible poem, Randy.

What kind of irked me was the last stanza:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,
that's what little girls are made of,
and deceit and pain
and betrayal for gain:
That's what little girls are made of.


The "and"s at the beginning of the fourth and fifth line slightly throws the ending off.


Otherwise, incredible poem. Write more.

--
DA Buddhists
_{For those who are, and for those who support.
Before you comment you must understand how to comment.}

I don't really think it does.. When I was writing it, in my mind, I was reading the third line with a bit of a slower speed.. with the "and pain" kind of trailing off before picking up the next line. I should probably find a way to make it flow better, though.

--
fantastic expectations, amazing revelations.

Maybe you could add ellipses at the end?

Sugar and spice and everything nice,
that's what little girls are made of,
and deceit and pain...
and betrayal for gain:
That's what little girls are made of.


omg. Okay. I think I see it. That "and" at the beginning still bugs me, but after reading it over a couple of times, I think I see how it flows. ;;>.>

Don't mind me. I'm just a photo-maniper.

--
DA Buddhists
_{For those who are, and for those who support.
Before you comment you must understand how to comment.}

You say in your description that this is angsty and unoriginal. I don't know what could have possessed you to think that, unles to ironically prove some sort of point.. Angsty is not a good term, for one, since it connotes a kind of adolescent whining instead of this poignant satirical (thuogh very personal) criticism. As for originality, this is one of the most original poems I've read, probably ever. You play on the familiarity of this nursery rhyme-like song, and even more on the childish luvvie-duvvie tone of it; you turn that tone on its head, and through that you don't just bring out a sense of dark and realization-based humour but also provide a new perspective on the theme of the song and basically just challenge the whole premise on which it was written. Not that new an approach in today's liberal and individualistic world, but your take is very interesting and darkly fresh nonetheless.
To begin with, I want to complement you on including the original beginning of the song/ditty in the poem. It creates a basis from which the reader can read on to be shocked and surprised when the familiar childish tone becomes more and more candid and brutally, cynically straightforward. It's the self-irony of this piece (the way you've juxtaposed the original childish lyrics with your own incredibly sharp language) which really sets the atmosphere, which is like a set-up canvas; the vocabulary and general word-choice and placement in the poem are your palette of colours that you use to create a really powerfully satirical work of art. Frankly, the whole idea of taking a simple, naïve song of this kind and then using that simplicity as a base for irony and satirical comedy is rather brilliant. I should swipe the idea from you and try it myself.
I really like the way you bring the negative aspects of the 'narration' forth. You make the criticism increasingly harsh and frank as the poem progesses. The first indication of something wrong with the original words, spiders and lice and wee little mice, is still in the kind of childlike tone, which is great because you break the ice subtly at first. Spiders and lice, insects in genreal, are stereotypical but probably quite accurate things which small girls are usually afraid of or disgusted by, and their inclusion at this point could be reasoned by more unaccepting readers as a kind of playful stab at the cute idiosyncrasies small girls have, in relation to things not quite so sweet and lovely. The word 'wee' is grammatically speaking a superfluous word here, which is just what makes it such a small but strong addition; 'wee little' is just the kind of childish repetition that is usually attributed to young children, and in that sense too this is a very ironical line.
The next four lines or so are practically genius, the way you've built up the imagery and then dismantled it in the blink of an eye; alabaster skin / and emerald eyes / ruby red lips: all highly positive and flattering attributes for a woman; not to mention all jewels or precious materials, which again connote the beauty or extravagant nature assigned to women in general. I say 'woman', because the next line easily establishes the metaphorical nature of the term 'little girl' in this poem. To hide all her lies implies the existance of lies in the first place, though that implication is used very subtly. But what truly cought my breath with this part is the way you first build up the positive and beautiful feminine imagery, only to top it off with this highly critical and bitter single line, which with its differing tone renders the previous three lines wholly ironical. This is a brilliant way to play with the preconceptions of the reader, as we would normally expect something equally cheesy to end the string of complements. When you offer this 'unexpected' solution the joke is on us, but in a good way; we see how we were fooled by those flattering remarks and characteristics before, but in its satirical context that comes off as strong though subtle self-irony and humour, which is what the piece is all about. In any case it's an excellent four lines! Also, the 'That's what little girls are made of' carries not only a continued sense of irony, but also a kind of 'I told you so'-mentality, like you're saying " That's what little girls are made of".
Another excellent element in the poem is the way you keep the rhyme scheme consistant and identical to the original format, that way even the technical aspects of it take on an ironic twinge. In any case, once again the imagery of the next few lines is quite striking, and the words used are clearly a step away from the still somewhat held-back dark tone, towards a purely straightforward irony. A forked silver tongue has a clear sexual connotation, as well as a link to the concept of evil; 'forked tongue' refers of course to a snake, while the tongue is also a popular sexual symbol as well. The word 'silver' is ironic here too, as it denotes preciousness and value, something you clearly dismiss in the poem. A head full of bats is a very powerful phrase, I shivered when I read it just because it was such an unexpected and strong image. The animal-central nature of these few lines (snake, bat, cat) is brought out more concretely now with the actual mention of an animal (whereas the snake was implied before). Because the whole poem is based on something so simplistic and one-dimensional as the original lyrics, the words 'head full of bats' take on a frighteningly physical image. After all, how could something as simple as that poem offer anything as complex as a metaphorical statement? But the other pbvious side to it is that the bats represent the vile thoughts of unfaithful and connicing women; actually, I linked bats to witches here at first, which seems awfully fitting in the context! Pierced dimpled cheeks is a great line too, because you place two utterly opposite words next to one another. 'Pierced' connotes pain, angst and thoughtless freedom, whereas 'dimpled' has solely cute and pretty connotations of adorable smiling kids. Claws like a cat (maybe should be changed to "...like a cat's", for gramamtical correctness and a perfect rhyme?) continues the animal theme, again drawing on a stereotypical irony. Cats are playful, fun and cute, and women are often referred to (somewhat degradingly) as cats; the word 'claws' alone brings the negative aspects of that out well.
Now after reading all these decreasingly subtle critical witticisms of the first stanza, the beginning of the second seems overridingly ironic and darkly humorous (I must admit I chuckled to myself as I read it ). In this second stanza the 'little girl' becomes clearly and observably adult, a woman of great beauty and deceit. False promises and lies again has a bitter tone to it, but because of the given (ironically) chlidish context that bitterness does not show to a disadvantage, and presents itself rather as a tragic fact. The phrase half-open eyes in the next line has, I feel, a sexual undertone to it as well. I once read or heard somewhere that as a person orgasms, their eyelids relax, which is where the term 'bedroom eyes' or something like that comes from.. In any case, half-open eyes connotes relaxation, and since this is about cunningly powerful women I think the sexual undertone can be assumed.
As much as I'm beginning to loathe using the word, the ironic twinge of 'angelic' here is maybe the most powerful in the poem; other positive words, mainly 'nice', are used, but the godlike connotation of the word 'angelic'sets it apart as a tool of sarcasm. Also by rhyming the words 'smile' and 'wiles' in these lines you create a link between the words, showing that the smiles are false, simply feminine plots.
I have mentioned several parts of this poem that I've found powerful or poignant, but the next two lines are undoubtedly the most stunning I have ever read in such a context. These lines are in a way the culmination of the constantly increasing sharpness of the words used and the imagery invoked; an appetite for money presents the selfishness and cruelty of these women, and in a way this wording is also sexual (as in the term 'sexual appetite'). And the rhyme you create through the word 'money' is really brilliant, it just makes the next line run on so naturally, despite its extremely harsh tone: a cunt made of honey might just be the most subtly and beautifully grotesque phrase I've ever heard in poetry. I really can't think of a single other phrase that would be so repulsive on one hand and so beautiful on the other, unless maybe Dylan Thomas' “crooked worm” and so forth.. What makes it such a riveting phrase, are two things: 1) the way the line just fits into the poem as a whole, and does not stand out in any particular technical way; that fact coupled with the strong word usage of 'cunt' create a very shrill dichotomy in itself; and 2) the juxtapositioning, once again, of two almost opposite terms. Cunt, I think I needn't tell you, is one of the most rude names for a woman's genitalia I know, it is an ugly word all in all; whereas honey has only positive connotations, of rich and pure nectar and wholesome and full life. These two set in the same sentence is an amazing element in the poem, because it just proves the point that you are creating the tension and dark humour in the piece almost solely through irony.
But this is just a brilliant phrase, you've managed to make it both grotesque and aesthetic at the same time, and the atmosphere or tone of the poem is enriched by it immensely.

The last stanza here is a very stylish and prudent addition, a very tasteful and calm way to end the high-strung and emotional poem. Deceit and pain / and betrayal for gain is like a summary of the theme of the poem, a synopsis of what the poem was talking about. The tone is no longer quick or angry or unsubtle, rather a kind of calm and sorrowful statement. And it makes the familiar line at the end seem all the more final and doom-laden; that's what little girls are made of.

This was a true experience; the cynical, ironical tone started to get to me after a few reads, but there are so many 'hidden tones' (satire, dark humour, bitterness, sadness) within the text that the overriding tone just becomes a part of the whole cascade of imagery. A truly brilliant job here, this was one of the most fluid, verbal and cunning poems I have read in a very long time. Bravo!!

--
but, mainly, Stay Classy

That is, by far, the best critique I have ever received on anything I have ever done. You've broken the whole poem down and gone through it, step by step. I read every single word of the poem, and I couldn't help but smile as you hit every point, directly on. My hat goes off to you.

--
fantastic expectations, amazing revelations.